Tag Archives: armageddon

Cake

My disabled girlfriend just asked me for a slice of cake. I had to say no. See, I’ve decided to adopt the Conservative approach to cake.

Unfortunately, I explained to her, the purchase of the cake was funded by HARD WORKING PEOPLE, and HARD WORKING PEOPLE didn’t want people who don’t work as hard as her to have access to the luxuries that they can’t have, because despite the fact that they are HARD WORKING PEOPLE, they are still unable to afford cake.

She protested, so I explained that 0.1% of cake benefit claims are fraudulent, so I’ve adopted a policy of guilty-until-proven-innocent, and if she wanted access to the cake, she’d need to go for a fit-for-cake assessment.

I then reminded her that if she wanted the cake badly, she could apply to the access-to-cake fund. But as soon as she looked in the opposite direction I moved the money to my wallet. “Sorry,” I responded disingenuously, “we don’t have enough money to fund your cake.”

She really wasn’t happy about this, so I introduced a new rule in the house. Vulnerable voices were are allowed to campaign against rules in the six months prior to a cake purchase. However, if she incorporates and pays me a big sum of money, I’ll happily allow her to influence future rules.

Next, I told her that she didn’t need the cake, as I’d looked in her fridge and found some carrots. Clearly she was wasting the money provided by HARD WORKING PEOPLE on cake that she didn’t need. She’d have to learn to budget.

I then explained the situation to her landlord, who, upon finding out that she was claiming cake benefit, asked for six months rent in advance.

She kicked up a fuss, saying that she’d worked hard until her disability made it impossible to work. But I ignored that, because I know that it doesn’t matter any more. We can’t afford to give non-HARD WORKING PEOPLE cake for doing nothing any more, because if we did, we’d have to take money away from the banks and THAT WOULD LEAD TO BANKERS LEAVING THE COUNTRY, WHICH WOULD INITIATE ARMAGEDDON.

Okay, so it's a chocolate roll, but the point remains

Okay, so it’s a chocolate roll, but the point remains

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